The No Tech Job Diet
Are you:
Burned out from endless meetings?
Feeling less fit? Piling on the pounds?
Scared of being laid off at each All Hands?
You need the No Tech Job Diet (NTJD)
The NTJD is a holistic solution to your work struggles. Millions have flocked to the NTJD, some of them intentionally.
Benefits
The benefits of NTJD are striking:
Aches and pains spontaneously heal as you move your body more than 3cm per day.
Increased exposure to nature results in a rapid escalation of happiness.
Play helps you discover that there is a body attached to your neck.
Empty calendars unlock a profound sense of possibility.
Not having to stare at email and Google Docs leads to seismic shifts in mental health. The research is in its infancy, but early results show participants experiencing joy, bliss and laughter.
Step-by-step
Have a job in tech
Quit your job in tech
Follow the simple substutions
Substitutions
Instead of staring at a screen all day, try Outside. Outside is a free, 3D metaverse experience that includes sunshine, running rivers, birdsong and other players. The best part about Outside is that all movement burns energy points known as calories. Burn enough and your character will start to look leaner and sexier. Where to start? Open Google Maps and move your blue dot through all the green areas near you.
Replacing Zoom calls with leg-powered mobility sessions will quickly burn energy points whilst building valuable XP. Skip standup and get some Sun in your eyes. Andrew Huberman approves.
Read a book. Books are a quirky medium of communication where one person writes an extremely long and thoughtful DM on one topic and then prints it out. Benefits of reading books include focus, meaning and no notifications from that asshole who wants their thing done.
Buy and cook your own food. It’s not as fast as Pret, but you don’t have to listen to anyone else in the queue and it’s one-fifth the price.
Side effects
Despite the power of the NTJD, there are some notable side effects to be aware of:
Anomie, if your identity was more tied up in your job that you realised.
Rapid cessation of income.
No learning and development budget to buy books vaguely related to your job.
No free beer every Friday.
Testimonials
To the body and mind which have been cramped by the noxious work or company, nature is medicinal and restores their tone. The tradesmen, the attorney comes out of the din and craft of the street and sees the sky and the woods, and is a man again. In their eternal calm, he finds himself.
—Ralph Waldo Emerson