A permission slip for the life you want
A permission slip for the life you want
on rewriting your scripts
A life script is a narrative we follow without knowing it. Like an actor locked into character, we are consigned by our script to react in predictable ways to new situations.
I first encountered the idea of life scripts in my Animas training as a transformational coach. They are key idea in Transactional Analysis (TA)—a psychoanalytical theory that is much more applicable to everyday life than it sounds.
Life scripts are formed early in life, through obvious verbal messages but also non-verbal reinforcement. They do not remain stories: they influence our entire physiology through the way we view and regulate ourselves.
According to the theory of life scripts, we can classify them as injunctions or counter-injunctions. Injunctions are passed on from parents in early childhood and often reflect their own unresolved issues. They begin with "don't", telling us what to avoid—what they were told to avoid. Counter-injunctions are instilled later in childhood and give us a more positive—if not idealistic—target to aim for. When you add these two together, you have a tangled mess of scripts that say “do this, but don’t do that.”
Trying to accommodate these scripts often pulls us in impossible directions. It’s common for those conflicts to arise as people pursue a new aspiration in coaching. They weigh heavy on us as we try to stretch into the unknown.
These tensions were best captured by Adrienne Lee in her illustration of the Drowning Man:
Knowledge of life scripts offers consolation: our conflicts are not often personal failings, but the inevitable result of trying to resolve contradictory messages that were planted long before we had the awareness to dispute them.
The best way to get to know life scripts is to take a quick inner safari of your own. To do this during our coach training, we were asked 4 questions and given a couple of minutes to free-write our answers without over-thinking it. I'm sharing my unedited answers. The last question in particular took me in an interesting direction that I did not expect and has stuck with me since.
1/ What are the rules/scripts you've lived by in your life?
hard work is rewarded, you should try your best, it's important to keep people happy, follow the rules, don't be a nuisance, creativity is for artists, your brain will get you ahead of the group, you can know more than others, i have a special gift, i am sensitive and easily overwhelmed, i can learn anything, don't be boring. it's ok to get it wrong, keep trying. look forward, don't dwell in the past, don't be silly, be rational about it, there's no need to get angry, i have to work hard to help people understand me
you have a responsibility to put your brain to its best use! don't waste it! you have so much ahead of you!
2/ What are the rules/scripts you'd like to live by?
i am resilient and can do almost anything i put my mind to, i don't need to do everything perfectly, people will accept me as i am, i don't need to worry about others not liking me, i don't have to be busy all the time, it's fine to take the time when you need it, it's ok to struggle with difficult experiences from a long time ago, it's ok to be vulnerable, it's ok to not be the knower, it's ok to do your own thing, even when no-one else is doing it. anything i feel is valid, even if it's feeling tired and groggy and pissed off
3/ What if there were no rules/scripts? How would you choose to live then?
wow, that's freeing. i don't have to figure out the right scripts; another project to get right or suffer the consequences. i would be able to rest and discover what i wanted. i wouldn't have to worry about linking together a narrative about myself, who i am and what i do, i wouldn't cater so much to what others might think of me, i wouldn't feel like i needed to impose a structure on my day. i would be able to do what i wanted, when i wanted. voice: "are you sure that's ok?" i guess in some sense there already are no rules or scripts, there are just consequences. it would be nice to retain the ability to be spontaneous and deal with things when they arise. a sense of wonder and immersion and reciprocality. magical. would i actually do anything? yes! i love to create and share things.
4/ Try writing yourself a permission slip to create the change you want
Dear Headmaster,
Daniel has decided to take matters into his own hands. he is no longer subject to social expectations around being productive and upstanding and "nice". he might not be nice at all. it's not that he doesn't value these things, it's just that he doesn't need some whiney repetitive voice in his head lambasting him for doing this or not doing that. Daniel actually has a pretty clear idea of what he wants and who he wants to share it with. Daniel might seem unsure or in limbo for a while but we trust that he'll find his way. he always has. Daniel has never really learned in the same way others do so don't expect him in 50% of the classes and please give him the space to assimilate things in his own way. Daniel occasionally needs a dark room to recharge and it is not advisable to disturb him during this process.
Kind Regards, Daniel
It was exhilarating to see all of that spew out in about 8 minutes. Life scripts work powerfully just beneath the surface. But like any part of our inner world, they can be made explicit through writing. Writing is the cure.
Writing them down doesn’t guarantee that anything changes. But after doing so, you might suddenly find yourself coming to, mid-script, like a dumbfounded actor on stage.
Will you continue reeling off your lines? Or do you want to try something different?
💡 Are you feeling stuck in well-worn narratives?
If you want support in rewriting your own scripts—and the accountability to chart a more courageous and creative way forward—I have capacity to work with 3 more people this June. Book your free, no-obligation call today and I can explain how coaching will help.